Just a little under 40 years ago whilst walking home with friends from school, we came across a group of boys one of them stood out to me, a tall beautiful blonde.We got talking and that was the start of my first love. We had lots of firsts that boy and me, but after a few years I wanted more from life so I left him and went off on my adventures. Many years later, 25 to be exact, our paths crossed again thanks to the internet and within a year we were married.
We have been through so much in the past 14 years. Many great times, good times and more than our fair share of tough times but we have stuck together. We are true soul mates. That doesn't mean we sail through life in a loved up bubble, far from it. But it does mean we "get" each other, we understand how a relationship works, we work as a team when it comes to our family, we share the responsibility and we talk about anything and everything (well I do mostly), we laugh, cry together, we talk about our dreams, where we will travel when the boys are grown, the countries we will visit, the places we will see.
But now there is an elephant in the room.
I can't seem to find the right words to say to my husband, to my love, my life. We found out on Friday he has Prostate cancer. I was beyond shock as I was certain he was just suffering from the after affects of an infection he had. I was totally unprepared to be told he actually had cancer. my soul mate sat there showing no emotion while the tears rolled down my face. To my horror the Nurse turned her attention to me, its not about me I whispered, ignore me, its not about me. Its about Nigel.
The explanation of what was going to happen next, what was involved seemed to go on forever, I just wanted to get out of that room, I couldn't breath, I wanted to hold Nigel to talk to him, to tell him I loved him, to talk and talk and talk. When we finally got out of that room I couldn't find the words, everything seemed wrong, he was silent. "Are you ok" ? Stupid question, stupid fucking question !! and it's been like that since. I keep trying to find the right words, but what are the right words ? what do I say to help him ? I can't possibly make him feel better, I can't make it go away, so it sits there,
like an elephant in the room
and he is just going about life like nothing has happened, which is breaking my heart, is he scared, what is he feeling, does he want to talk ? can he not find the words either ?
Last night as he slept his hand searched for me in bed, the first move to reassurance ?
I'm here my love, my life, my soul mate
I'm always here.