Doing the right thing



 People say there is no love like that of a mother and her sons. 

I hope this is true.  I am the Mother of 3 sons but sometimes I feel like I am an alien in this world of males as I try to do the right thing.


  I sit here having just been told by my eldest that he is thinking about visiting the "grandparents" he hasn't seen for many year.  I suppose I always knew this day would happen.

Like the day he made contact with his half sister again (she is a wonderful, kind girl whose mum has done an amazing job bringing her up alone) but my heart hurts.  He doesn't have any idea of what I went through when he was a baby, nor should he, that's my job as a good mother right ?

How I had no one to turn to when life and family let me down. 

How these "grandparents" refused to help me with just half a day's childcare as I battled as a single parent to find a home, a job and security for my baby boy, even though his half sister and her cousin were regularly looked after by them , taken on day trips and holidays.  But no room for the grandson,

"no, sorry"
.
 "No can't help with childcare, no sorry ".

 I was made even stronger by this, I knew I would never stay with their son, his violent outbursts, anger and the fear.  Not for my child thank you very much.  I moved on, worked hard, left my son crying at the gate in nurseries all day, every day while I built a better life for us.

And I did.


I worked and worked, went home at night with my son, for many years never going out, never leaving him with baby sitters.  He was too precious to me, I never wanted him to worry, to feel alone like I did.  I talked to him and answered all his questions, showing him the world, taking him on holidays, teaching him to be kind and good and strong. To work hard, to not expect anything from anyone else.  Go and get it for yourself. Don't hurt others, but stand up for yourself. Be a good man.  With no help from the "grandparents" with no contact from his father, no financial support.  We were a team.  It was me he came to when he was hurt, it was me who hugged away his fears, taught him everything, who nursed him when he lay seriously ill in hospital, when he cried.  IT WAS ME.


So now I sit here in my bedroom

Alone

Whilst he is downstairs with the other woman who has taken my place, who he listens to, who he hugs and kisses all the time

Not many for me these days, nope sorry,

I've moved on mum I have a new love in my life now


and now another fear

that he will go and see these "grandparents" he hasn't seen since he was small and they will steal his heart, that he will think that I was wrong, that I took him away from them, his father, their family.

Because I always seem to be wrong in his eyes these days

I don't feel I am the mum he wants me to be, that I have let him down, failed him. 

He sees me through adult eyes with all my failings, faults and insecurities.  That he doesn't like what he sees.

I am no longer his hero.

and I am loosing him......

11 comments

  1. My heart goes out to you. It seems to me that our boys will go away from us, but they do come back to us.
    You have done a brilliant job. He will see for himself, eventually, how hard you have worked, the sacrifices you made, the tears you have cried. Perhaps you could write him a letter, telling the truth of the early days and how you want him to know this other part of his family, but with the knowledge of how you and he were treated.
    They could have regrets too, they may welcome the opportunity to apologise for past wrongs, they may not, but he deserves the chance to find out for himself how he might be treated.
    As to the kisses and cuddles for another - it hurts. I know it does. But once the initial flush is over, you will get kisses and cuddles once more. I missed my kisses on the top of my head from my boy who towers over me, but now I get them once more. Still irritating that he is taller than me and can do it, but great that he wants to.
    I hope it sorts itself out as you want it to, and soon.

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  2. I understand the feeling when grandparents look after one set, but bot the other. The outlaws have never had the boys. It used to really upset me. I used to wonder what was wrong with my children, but it is their loss not mine. I feel that our children will never fully appreciate is until they have children of their own. We have to give them roots to grow wings and hope that they ask the right questions. He will understand and they might influence him, but he will eventually see that you did it for him and that they could have seen him and been there for him,

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  3. You are an amazing mum - Young love makes people blind so he will turn to his girlfriend what loved up person wouldn't but deep down the strong love from you will be there he will know it but won't show it. He is a man too and they find showing their emotions very hard to do especially to their parents - let alone talk about them. Plus he is delving in his past, which is understandable, trying to piece it together to obtain is own understanding and make sense of why things happened. He will never fully understand and nor should he from what you have said you had an horrific experience and have sheltered him from this and the grandparents deep down know this too! What you have to hold onto is what he has become - that is not through anyone but YOU! Plus, you are not alone you have a fab husband, supportive mum and your twins will take you through yet more emotional roller coasters. There is no handbook for being a mum - it is one of the hardest jobs to do and a true mum will sacrifice their own life for the love of her children like Jen said if he has children of his own he will know EXACTLY WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!. Currently your life is in turmoil but time will heal and life will go on FOR THE BETTER again with your son. So grab that wine glass and have a drink you deserve it x

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  4. My heart just broke a little for you. For a few years he may challenge all that you are and all that you did but he will soon see that it was you who gave him the courage to do this and that throughout everything it will be you who loves him unconditionally. Xx

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  5. Oh my goodness Karen, sending you much much love. My heart is breaking for you. I have no wise words or offers of advice just one mum reaching out to another over the ether with the hand of love x

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  6. I read andhear from friends time and time again how they protect their children from the truth about other family members who have treated them badly. In every case it's so that the children can have a good relationship with these people and feel good about their family. I actually don't get it. What is so terrible about knowing the truth - even if it is just your truth and how you felt. He's not a little boy. If he's old enough to seek them out then he's old enough to read this blof post.

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  7. You have been through so much Karen! Just know that you are such an amazing lady and trust yourself and trust how you have brought up your son. Bringing up children is the hardest job in the world with new challenges (as you know very well) in every stage. This one is breaking your heart but hang in there. We are there for you for virtual hugs.

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  8. I actually got a chill down my legs reading this. I feel the pain in your words. Please remember that no amount of falseness from the grandparents can wipe away the years of love and snuggles you have given your son. When he is done finding out where he comes from he will be back. A true bond can never be broken. You are still and always will be the one he comes to when he needs comfort and love. You are his constant, his safety blanket and he knows it. Much love to you. x

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  9. Thank you so much for all your kind comments. They are all so obviously heartfelt and thoughtful. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. I feel a lot better today and realise that I can't prevent him from making contact with these people, its his right and I am sure they will make him welcome. I am just sad that he may think I prevented contact (which I didn't) and his half sister who he is in regular contact with had a much different experience with them as she was looked after by them regularly, slept over and taken out. So she may not realise that they refused to help me.

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  10. I don't know you at all but it broke my heart to read this. As the mother of a 15 yo boy I am beginning to wonder about (and dread) him moving on, moving out and having a girlfriend. And no longer needing me. There are more difficulties in your situation but children/teenagers always take it out on those closest to them, right? Perhaps they all go through a phase that means none of us mums are the mums they want us to be?! I have been told by a parent of another (older) teenager that some of them go through these phases and then 'they come back to you'. Her words. And I'm hanging on to them!
    I really hope that your much-loved son gets through this and comes back to you. He will. And he is old enough to hear the truth.
    Never doubt that you've been the best mum he could ever have. He'll realise that..... in time x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words Jazzygirl. He is a good boy and I know he loves me. Its just hard when they no longer need you I suppose xx

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